


iKON's Leader

by bobbinunraveled



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 16:57:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19255342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbinunraveled/pseuds/bobbinunraveled
Summary: With a heavy heart Kim Hanbin leaves iKON.





	iKON's Leader

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if this is meant to heal hearts or hurt more? I just had some feeling I needed to get out. It has a hopeful ending but if it's too hard to read I do apologize.

There’s a ringing in Hanbin’s ears like the sound after an explosion, his eye sight is becoming blurry or maybe it’s the world around him fading into nothingness, his heart is pounding through his chest as if beating its last. Is this what it feels like to die?

He knows the board is speaking to him. They gathered together to talk to him after all but as he stands alone in front of a table of 7 men in suits, eyes all dark and void of emotion he realizes as they speak one by one their mouths are moving but no sound is coming out. His world has become silent. Their movements are so slow as if someone is stopping time and he wishes they’d fast-forward already. What are they saying? What is actually happening? His knees are becoming weak. How long has he been standing now, an hour, two, ten? All he knows is he’s tired. He wants to sit or lie down but there’s nowhere to rest. There’s nowhere to turn. There’s nothing.

“Hanbin.”

In an instant he’s snapped back to this reality. He can hear, time is moving normal and he takes in a gasp of air out of shock. Suddenly he knows what’s happening.

“Do you understand what this means?” The director in the middle seat looks cautiously at him. Perhaps he’s noticed Hanbin’s sudden jolt.

“Y-yes.” Hanbin says in a whisper so weak you’d think it was uttered by a mouse in his pocket. “Yes. I understand.”

“You are to pack your things tonight and leave the dorm. We will have an escort car take you to your parent’s house. We will contact your manager tomorrow to sort out everything else.”

Hanbin nods again he seems to fade out of consciousness staring at a coffee stain on the director’s sleeve. _When did he have coffee? It’s the middle of the day. How has he not noticed and changed his shirt before coming to a meeting? How irresponsible._ Why is Hanbin thinking about this now?

The director’s stand and bow one by one before leaving the room first. Hanbin bow’s back and remains that way even a while after they’ve all left. It isn’t till his manger puts a hand on his back that he’s able to stand straight again.

Hanbin leans his head on the glass window of the car on the ride home. In movies they always do this but he actually finds the bumps on the road make it hurt quite a lot. As they pass the Han river Hanbin suddenly perks up.

“Manager-nim can we go to the river?” He leans forward to ask.

“We need to get home. We’re supposed to be collecting your things.”

“Please.” Hanbin says and he doesn’t mean to sound pitiful but he must because the manager turns his head to check on him. “Please. I don’t want to go to the dorms. Not yet.”

The manager is silent for a time but with a sigh turns around back to Han River.

They walk along the paths in silence. There is nothing really to say. There is nothing really he wants to think about either. Though he knows he has a lot to consider about his future and his brothers. What will they do when they find out? Do they already know? What must they think of him? His stomach contracts at the thought. He immediately shakes it away. He will think about it tomorrow. He can’t right now. He just wants to take in the sights and think about the people walking around them. What do their days consist of? What problems are they putting off while walking these paths as well?

 

* * *

 

 

He doesn’t remember the drive home but now he’s been dropped off in front of his dorm. Did he thank his manager for the ride? He doesn’t remember. He faintly recalls him saying he will be back later with a van for his things.

The walk to his dorm is one of the longest he’s had and turning the door knob to go in and face whatever is on the other side seems like the most difficult task he considers not doing it at all. But he does. As he looks around the house is silent. The member’s must be out. A relief washes over him. _Good_ He thinks. He hasn’t seen them all day, in truth he’s been avoiding them. He hasn’t taken any calls or even looked at his phone but he hopes they don’t know yet. He doesn’t want them to see him like this. He’ll pack his things, leave and then call them and apologies tomorrow. Yeah that sounds like a good plan. He doesn’t want to see them now. He can’t face them.

He opens the door to his room.

“Hanbean-ah…?”

Damn. Nothing’s working out the way he wants.

“Oh. Hi, hyung.” Hanbin says avoiding Bobby’s eyes and making his way to his closet.

“ _Hi, hyung?_ Is that all you can say to me?! You don’t answer any of my calls or text. The guys didn’t know where you were. They’re all out looking for you right now!” Bobby has his fist clenched and Hanbin notices his shirt is soaked with sweat. He must have been looking for him frantically too.

Ah…I’ve made them worry so much. I’m truly a failure. Hanbin doesn’t say a word but begins removing his clothes one by one from his closet and laying them on his bed.

“What’s going on, Hanbin? Where have you been? It’s not true what they’re saying, is it?” Bobby looks truly nervous, eyes watching Hanbin’s every move so intensely. “Please tell me.”

“Hyung, you should get some rest. You look exhausted. I’m sorry I made you all worry. I’ll tell you everything tomorrow, ok? Right now I have to do this.” Hanbin pulls out his suitcase from behind his shoe rack. How many trips has he taken with this thing? It’s all scuffed up and worn. The lock is busted from when he and Bobby threw their bags down the staircase when they were running late to the airport. He remembers laughing so hard when Bobby’s underwear went flying everywhere. Was that their 2nd Japan tour or their 4th? He can’t remember. The fan-made iKON stickers Jinhwan put on are still there too though they’re faded and peeling now. Maybe he can tape them up later. It would be a shame if he lost even one-

“HANBIN!” Bobby’s voice shakes him and he’s forced back to this reality as he stares up at his hyung. It’s the first time he’s noticed Bobby’s blood shot eyes and puffy red cheeks. Has he been crying? Damn. There is nothing Hanbin hates worst then his Bobby being sad. And it’s all his fault. Another unforgivable sin he’s committed.

“Tell me what’s going on. Why are you getting that out? Where are you going?”

Hanbin sighs he had hoped to avoid talking about this till tomorrow but it seems Bobby won’t let him.

“I’m going home.” Hanbin throws the suitcase on his bed and begins tossing hangers and throwing clothes inside it not caring to fold them first. He can already see Yunhyeong’s disappointed face and hear his scolding voice. “How do you expect to find anything in this mess, huh?” He’d say.

“Home? For how long? You’re coming back, right.” Bobby’s voice is trembling. It seems he’s figuring it out now so Hanbin doesn’t dodge the question.

“No. I’m not.” Hanbin continues to pack and avoid Bobby’s eyes. “Someone will come for all my things later, I’m just taking some essential’s now.”

“But-but. We’re still iKON, right? You’re still our leader, right?” Bobby inches closer to him eyes desperately searching for some assurance in Hanbin’s expression but he finds none. “Tell me, now!”

“I told you I’ll tell everyone everything tomorrow, just don’t bother me now. I have to pack.” Before Hanbin knows what’s happening his shirt is being wrenched from his hand and everything is being pushed off his bed and Bobby pushes him onto it instead. His body’s trapped beneath Bobby’s weight as he’s pins down, Bobby holding tight to both his wrists on either side of him.

“Stop fucking packing and talk to me damnit!” Bobby’s growling now staring down at him. Hanbin looks right back at him his face expressionless but he can’t deny the hurt he feels in his heart when he sees the tears welling up in Bobby’s eyes.

“And tell you what, hyung?” Hanbin says with the most impassive voice possible.

“Why are you leaving us? What happened to you? What’s going to happen to us?”

“You know the answer to all that. I told you I’m going home. What’s Happened to me? You read the articles didn’t you? They’re all true. I even apologized for it. What will happen to you? You’ll go on as iKON…” Hanbin almost can’t say the words but he forces them out anyway. “Without me.”

“How? How can we go on without you? Without you we aren’t iKON! You write our songs, you produce our albums, you lead us, you’re Hanbin, you’re our B.I.!” Bobby can’t stop the tears now. He really is crying and shivering all over with anger and distress. Hanbin hasn’t seen him this upset since right after WIN when Hanbin was having a pity party for himself outside their dance studio talking about how he’d failed them. Bobby teared up then too as he shouted in his face to pull himself together. Bobby’s a more emotional person than he lets on. His sweet hyung. He will chose anger over showing how sad he really is. But all Hanbin can do is stare up at him as his tears hit his cheeks and he grips Hanbin’s wrists tighter.

Hanbin can’t let up though. He can’t take everything back and try harder. Not this time.

“I’m not your leader anymore. I’m not B.I.” The words seem strange on his lips, unfamiliar and bitter tasting but he pushes them out all the same. And although he thought he was choosing his words carefully they seem to be the wrong thing to say. Bobby looks as though he was punched in the face and he’s not having it.

“SHUT UP!” Bobby is shaking him now. “SHUT THE HELL UP!” Bobby is lifting him up by his shirt collar now bringing their faces so close together he can feel Bobby’s spit hit him. “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT SHIT!? HOW CAN YOU JUST LEAVE US!?”

“Because I have to.” Why doesn’t Bobby get it? Why can’t he just accept what’s happening?

“WE’VE HAD HARD TIMES IN THE PAST BUT WE’VE ALWAYS GOTTEN THROUGH THEM. ALWAYS TOGETHER. WE’LL DO IT AGAIN!”

“This isn’t like one of those times.” Bobby is shaking really shaking and Hanbin just wants to hold him and tell him everything will be ok but he can’t because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what will come next.

“So you’re just giving up? Just like that? You’re just leaving? Were you even going to say goodbye? Or talk to us at all? How can you speak so easily like this?! Do you even care about us?! Do you!?”

“Of course I do.” Hanbin says through grit teeth. Easy? Does he really think it’s easy for him to say all these things? Doesn’t he know? Doesn’t he get it? There’s a feeling like a balloon in his chest is about to burst. Why can’t Bobby just let him leave the way he wants?

“Then show me! Show me you care! Show me a sign you don’t want to leave us! Show me you want to fight for us!” Stop it Bobby. Just stop.

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO MUCH!” The bubble burst, suddenly all the hurt and pain Hanbin had been trying to keep down, trying to cover up with an expressionless mask breaks. His heart comes pouring out in a stream of tears and mucus. Bobby loosens his grip but Hanbin tightens his, clutching at his hyung’s t-shirt with his head bowed to hide his face.

“The idea of not being with you, not being with all of you making music, living together… It’s too much. I can’t face it. I don’t want to think about it.” Hanbin’s vision is blurred from his tears but maybe that’s best he doesn’t want to see Bobby’s face when he’s like this. “This is hardest on me. Don’t you get that? I’m the one who has to leave you all. I’m the one who’s going to be lonely.”

His words hit Bobby like a stone to the face and he hates himself for not seeing it before. Hanbin’s hurt it was all there in his words. Why didn’t he notice? He was too in need of answers he didn’t realize the pain he was putting him through. Instinctively he wraps his arms around Hanbin as he continues to cry clutching at his t-shirt for support “I’m sorry, hyung. I’m so sorry to all of you. I ruined everything.”

“Stop. Don’t say that. Don’t even think it. No one blames you.” Bobby lifts Hanbin’s face so he can see the honesty in his eyes. “No one. Got it?” Hanbin nods with the little strength he has. “It isn’t fair of us to ask you for the world and then judge how you come to give it to us. Even if it isn’t right, that isn’t for us to decide. I’m sorry we expected so much from you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I should have noticed your struggle. I’m your hyung I should have protected you. I should have done more.”

Bobby is weeping now but Hanbin shakes his head. He can’t have Bobby thinking that. Putting everything on his shoulders. “No. You did so much for me just by being with me every day. Your smile alone saved me so many times.”

Bobby sniffs up a mucus bubble and blushes at his words. He can’t even look directly at him. “Don’t say such embarrassing things.”

“It’s the truth.” Hanbin says smiling even now just by Bobby’s shy grin. “You saved me. All of you saved me.”

Bobby smiles before whipping his tears with his sleeve and cradling his head. Hanbin buries his face back in Bobby’s chest, the safest place in the world. He is so grateful for him. He knows Bobby won’t let go until he’s ready and knowing he can still lean on him maybe he will be. Suddenly they hear the doors burst open and shouting.

“Hanbin-ah! Are you home? Hanbin-ah!”

“Hyung, are you here?!”

“Someone swore they saw him come this way.”

“Spread out and look!”

“Check his room first, idiots!” Bobby shouts out at the member’s and Hanbin laughs. A stampede of feet can be heard racing to his door before coming to a halt at his entrance.

“Hi, guys.” Hanbin stands up to greet them wiping his eyes and managing a smile.

“Hanbin…”Jinhwan breathes with a sigh of relief.

“Hyung...” Junhoe’s smile suddenly darkens. “You ass-hat! Where the hell have you been?”

Before Hanbin knows what’s happening all the members are tackling him on his bed. Bobby barely escapes with his life as the member’s squish him into a pancake and the maknae start spanking Hanbin’s bottom.

“Don’t ever worry us like that again.” Donghyuk says patting Hanbin’s head apologetically as they finally let him up.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to face you all yet.” Hanbin shares a look with Bobby who smiles encouragingly back at him. “But I am now.”

 

* * *

 

 

The members are in utter shock as Hanbin explains things to them. Bobby is holding his hand the whole time and every so often gives it a supportive squeeze. He isn’t sure what they are thinking but he isn’t going to keep them in the dark.

“There has to be something we can do.” Jinhwan says first as Hanbin finishes speaking.

“We could go to YG together and beg that you stay.” Donghyuk suggest and the other’s nod.

“The decision has already been made.” Hanbin says.

“But you didn’t do anything wrong. Sure you thought about it but he has to be reasonable. Is this fair? That we should lose our leader over a bad thought?” Yunhyeong says outraged. Hanbin knew it would be hard for them to take in but he didn’t expect such resistance. It warms his heart a little to know instead of hating him (which he feared) they are already looking for a solution. But he can’t have them risk anything for him.

“Look. Right now I think it’s best we just do what the board wants.” His last decision as leader. “I don’t want you all smearing your names or getting mixed up in this. As your leader I forbid it.”

“But Hanbin, we can’t do this without you.” Jinhwan eyes are already welling up and Hanbin has to look away or he’ll start crying too.

“This is my path to walk alone. I know you all will be ok. I didn’t make you great. You are great on your own. I was just lucky enough to find you all. I’m grateful to have been your leader and to be with you this long. Thank you. But this is where we part.”

The members are silent for a moment all exchanging looks, taking it in that this is real. That he is really leaving them. Donghyuk is the first to break down not hiding his tears as they fall to the ground and Chanwoo puts an arm around him. Jinhwan tries to hide his tears by covering his face with his hand but Hanbin hears him sniffling. Yunhyeong is just staring speechless at the ground shaking his head. Junhoe who had been silently staring at the wall the whole time Hanbin was speaking suddenly gets up and storms out the dorm muttering to himself. Hanbin wants to go after him but Bobby says to give him time.

“Well that’s that.” Hanbin says with a heavy breath. “I’m sorry this has to fall on you all. You don’t deserve it. But I know you will be ok.”

“Us?” Yunhyeong stands up with a glare and walks towards him, for a second Hanbin thinks he’s going to hit him. “Hanbin…what about you?”

“Hyung what will you do?” Chanwoo looks up at him so worried Hanbin feels his heart is breaking all over again. Of course they are thinking of him instead of themselves.

“Can we check up on you? Can we still call you?” Donghyuk is standing now too tears still flowing and voice cracking.

“Yes.” Hanbin almost says the words too fast because he really does want that. “Yes. Call me whenever you want with whatever you need. I want you to call.” Hanbin thinks he might get dehydrated with how much he’s crying but he can’t help it he loves his brother’s so much.

“We don’t need anything we just want to make sure you’re ok.” Jinhwan’s lip quivers but he manages a smile and Hanbin smiles back.

“I will be.”

“Food!” Yunhyeong suddenly says. “I made some fried rice and chicken earlier. You can take it with you home.”

“You don’t have-“ Yunhyeong is in the kitchen before Hanbin can protest.

“We’ll help you pack.” Donghyuk says.

“Yeah, maybe if we’re quick we’ll still have time to hang out before your ride gets here.” Chanwoo slaps him on his back then heads towards his room.

“You guys, you really don’t have to.” Hanbin watches his member’s spring into action.

“Please, Hanbin let us do this for you.” Bobby smiles and Hanbin can’t argue.

The door then slams bringing everything to a standstill as Junhoe returns holding something in his hand.

“Here.” Junhoe throws a black hoodie at Hanbin and he’s so shocked he almost doesn’t catch it. “This is my favorite hoodie. I know you’ve always liked it so just take it and don’t you dare forget it when you leave.” Hanbin blinks a few times in surprise but seeing Junhoe’s scrunched up face and puffy eyes he knows what he’s really saying. Junhoe’s never been good with expressing his feelings out loud. “Don’t forget it” means “Don’t forget me.”

“Never” Hanbin replies and before Junhoe can stop him he pulls him into a hug, the younger doesn’t stop him but instead wraps his arms around him.

“Hyung, isn’t that your hoodie?” Chanwoo whispers to Bobby.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s Hanbin’s now.” Bobby grabs him by the nap and pushes him forward towards Hanbin and the other member’s follow as they surround him in a group hug holding each other tightly. Hanbin feels so at peace, so grateful for them all. They remain like that for some time in complete silence until they hear a knock on the door.

“We could come with you.” Bobby says as he helps Hanbin bring the last trunk downstairs to the waiting black van. The members know if they all go down together it will cause a commotion. There are always fans waiting in front of their dorm waiting to take pictures and Hanbin wants to leave as discreetly as possible. Even Bobby promised not to leave the building door way though now it seems he wants to go with him the whole way.

“Just tonight or for good?” Hanbin jokes but Bobby looks at him quite seriously.

“Whatever you want. Just say the word. You know we will.”

“I don’t want that.” Hanbin shakes his head. “I have to do this alone for now but I don’t want to believe this is it for us.”

“It won’t be. Haven’t you figured that out? You’re stuck with us forever.” Bobby grins and Hanbin feels a warmth envelope him.

He smiles and holds his fist up for a fist bump, their usual sendoff but Bobby just stares at it meeting it with an open palm as he pulls him in for one more hug. Hanbin is grateful for it. It would of felt weird to leave any other way.

“We’ll find a way through this.” Bobby says more for himself then Hanbin. “You’re not alone. We’ll never let you be alone. Hear me.”

“Yeah” is all Hanbin can say as they pull away. They don’t say “goodbye” Hanbin’s never been a fan of them and honestly Bobby doesn’t seem too eager to say the words either. So they both just nod and Hanbin walks away.

He doesn’t look back as the car takes off. Maybe Bobby is waving, maybe the members are watching from their window but he doesn’t want to remember them like that. He wants to remember the tender hug they shared and their smiles and laughs as they played around putting his things away. That’s how he’ll always think of them, as his playful, strong brothers. And as the days go by he won’t stop thinking of them and all the moments they’ve shared and things they’ve accomplished together. Bobby’s right they have seen hard times before and they made it through, why not this time? Why not?

“We’ll see it through because we are iKON and because I your leader B.I promise it.”

 

 

The End.


End file.
